Growing Kids

Staying at Home with Kids

Regarding the matter of being a stay-at-home parent, it often appears as if people think there should be one right answer. People who believe the only answer is to stay home with kids can be seen shaking their heads and asking, "if they weren’t going to spend time with them, why did they even have kids?" People who would never dream of staying home with kids (often people who would never dream of having kids in the first place) can be seen shaking their heads and saying, "its too bad she’s wasting all that potential on just being a housewife!" Wow. This is a battle that should be put to rest. The truth about people is that most of us are doing the very best that we can. Depending on the day, I can see myself on both sides of the mommy war. I am a Libra, which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I can see both sides of almost any argument. I’ll show you what I mean:

My Two Cents for the Stay at Homers: I always knew that I would be a stay at home mom. My mother was a stay at home mom, and having her there during my growing years meant the world to me. I wanted to be there to see all those first steps, and have open arms for my children when they cried. I spent many dreamy afternoons curled up in a rocking chair with my two cherubs nestled around me, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Choosing to stay at home, and to do it conscientiously and with intention has been not only the hardest job I’ve ever had, but also the deepest spiritual practice.

On the Other Hand: Spending all of that time with my children was precious, but there were days when it almost made me insane. There were times I was without support, at my wits end, and if truth be told, my children would have been much better off in those moments in the hands of almost any other caring and calmer adult. If my experience taught me anything, it is to be very slow to judge another mother. My motto is to do what works, and for some women (as well as some men), being a full time caregiver to little kids really doesn’t. I once read that some women are more naturally fitted to the mothering archetype. I believe that’s true. (And I’m not one of those women, by the way.) What is often missing from the stay-at-home mother gig is a chance for alone time, creative outlet, adult conversation, and let’s face it, money. These are things that women need. Some of us, if we’re lucky, are able to find a way to "have it all" but at least in my experience, this doesn’t come at all easily. My life since having children has been a struggle between trying to fulfill both my children’s needs, and my own.

What all of this amounts to is that women, no matter what their circumstances or life choices, should learn to have more compassion for one another. No matter what path we take, there will always be days when the other way looks far lovelier. In those wistful moments when we glance over the fence to see our sisters on the other side, lets not forget to offer them a gracious nod and a smile.

My Own Pot of Gold

The other day, just like every other weekday, I was driving the kids home from school. The two of them chatted and squabbled in the back seat, while I went through the motions of getting us home virtually on auto pilot. My mind was numb, my position immobile, and my view of course was the road ahead. "Wow!" one of the children cries out suddenly. "A rainbow!" I manage a quick skyward glance. "Oh wow!" I find myself join in. The rainbow is vivid- green, red and purple splashed across the sky. The sun is just peeking through a hole in the cloudy gray. It creates a surreal lighting effect; rain and sunshine dancing momentarily in tandem. The rainbow stretches from horizon to horizon. If leprechauns could see it at this moment, they would be convinced their pot of gold rested somewhere in the trailer park across the street. I have never seen a more complete and Technicolor rainbow. I’m still driving, but I want to stop and stare. I can’t keep my eyes from wandering back each time the traffic slows. I look around at the other drivers. Its once of those times when it seems like the boundaries between strangers will be blurred. I expect to see them grinning back at me, or staring up at the sky. I am surprised to find that no one else appears to have seen the rainbow at all. They are all placid behind their steering wheels, their expressionless faces staring blankly ahead. How can this be? How could they miss it? Later that evening, I express my disbelief at the inattentive other drivers to my husband. "What made you any different?" he asks. "Why did you see the rainbow?" I realize at once that the answer is both simple and prophetic. I had the rainbow spotters sitting in the back of my car! Not one of those other drivers in my immediate vicinity had children riding with them. I had the incredible good fortune to see that rainbow for only one reason. I had the kids.

Getting Our Hands Dirty

  There's really no fast track when it comes to gardening with my children.  If there's any detour thats possible, you can bet that they're going to take it.  If there's mud, they need to make a cake with it.  If there's worms or grubs, the kids will be building a home for them.  If there's a chance that something was buried in the garden last year (like Micah's cars) we are going to need to dig for them.  (Check out our photo album below for some examples of the detours we've been taking.)  I tend to indulge these side tracks, at least some of the time.  Its because I believe that there is value in getting to know earthworms personally, and knowing what it feels like to have mud between your fingers.  Sure, sometimes its more difficult to accomplish what I see as the goals for each day.  And sometimes my patience runs thin.  What I love best are the times, like today, when I am able to let go of my own ideas of what an afternoon spent gardening with my children should involve.  What I love best are the times I can allow myself to get lost with them for a precious hour or two in the magical microcosm that I might have missed.   

A Year of Mindful Parenting, Optimism, and (hopefully), a Vegetable Garden

                                                      

First of all, it wasn't my idea.  The garden I mean.  That square of mud out back has been the last thing on my mind since 2003, when Micah learned to walk.  Oh sure, there was a time when I spent a few idealistic mornings shoveling manure and picking weeds, but that had been ages ago.  And to be honest, it hadn't worked out all that well.  The garden was a joint venture with the kids even then, but with Micah growing heavy in the carrier on my back and 2 year old Alix eating dirt and wanting me to check every shovelful to make sure I didn't hurt the worms, we never got very far.  Plus, I have always killed every house plant I ever tried to nurture.  I stopped gardening because I couldn't bear to have one more living thing relying on me. 

This year, things are different.  Not with me really.  I am still a slightly scattered-barely making ends meet-immenently well intentioned-hope springs eternal kind of woman.  But the kids!  Every day they amaze me with their growth.  Last week I found them outside in the garden square, covered in mud, digging for all they were worth.  When I asked them what was up, they said that they are planning to have a vegetable garden.  They had even found some old seeds (probably from 2003, the last time I attempted gardening), and put them in the ground.  This year, Alix is 9 and Micah will be 7.  I couldn't help but notice the hope in their eyes as they put the question to me; "will you help us?" 

What could I say?  They may have their minds on growing vegetables, but I have my mind on growing kids.  Growing kids need time outdoors.  They need to have opportunities to see that their dreams can become realities.  They need to be able to observe nature; how things change- how plants blossom, take root, and then die back to earth.  I decided to take the plunge.   As I waded out into their muddy dream garden, my first thoughts were this; I've got to get some rubber boots!